My life is pretty perfect, right?
I am a fitmom, I am a stay at home mom, we live on a farm, I have a huge garden, three horses, a beautiful baby girl, and an amazing husband. What could possibly be wrong in this situation?
I have to be honest here and say that I always write about the good. I always come across as having a perfect schedule and awesome days. But for real, I have bad days too.
When I married my husband I knew we would be living in this tiny little farm town and the idea of it seemed great. I imagined still spending summers in the mountains and getting to see my family all the time. I imagined new friends and new adventures. Lets just say my imagination outreached reality by quite a bit.
This tiny little farm town it just that, tiny. I love living in the country but I do enjoy a little bit of accommodations. We literally have a gas station and little bitty grocery store. I drive 20 miles to go to the next biggest town for groceries. I am ok with that but it gets a little old.
As for new friends in this tiny town, ha! I am not good at making friends to begin with and when everyone knows everyone and everyone grew up here it makes it hard to fit in. It seems like they do more talking about me than talking with me. I miss begin home and going to the store and knowing the people you saw. I miss being someone that people liked and knew what my life was like.
As for farming, it is great if you are a farmer. I am not a farmer. My husband is an outstanding farmer. He works long days and does an amazing job. He loves what he does and I am so proud to be married to a man who’s heart is in agriculture. I would never ask him to leave his farm and I would never leave him here. I am not up on farming though, I rarely get asked to help (probably because I do not know one tractor from the other), I don’t know when we plant and harvest and grow. I try really hard to be apart of it but it is hard when everyone just expects you to know. (Um, hello, I didn’t grow up here so don’t look at me like I’m silly when I ask questions!)
But what about all the gardening, playing with baby, and horse riding? That is great, right? Yes! yes, it is great on some days. Playing with my child and seeing her grow is the most amazing gift. I love being a mom and I would not trade that any day! Riding is hit and miss. I have amazing horses but it is hard to ride when you are always with baby. Today I rode my barrel horse for 15 minutes while baby cried in her pack and play by me in the arena. I took her out, went to get my mare and her colt was not cooperating. After 3 trips to the arena and one still crying baby I gave up and unsaddled. So, ya, not all it is cracked up to be.
Sometimes I just feel so out of place here. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like everyone here is getting to live the life of their dreams and I am just supposed to watch. I am supposed to keep my mouth closed, never have a dream of my own, and take care of everyone else everyday and be very happy to do so. While I am very happy to take care of my husband and child, I do enjoy a little something for myself. I would enjoy my family getting to know my child. I would enjoy seeing my mother gracefully age. I would enjoy being there for birthdays, holidays, and big events. I would enjoy my child knowing her uncles and her cousins.
Finding a balance is something i need to work on. No ones life is perfect. We all have days where we feel inadequate. I have so many many things to be thankful for and so many great parts about my life. Sometimes we just have to get the weight off our chest to move on.